Broken walls

It’s been a year since I was diagnosed with MS.

This has really kicked me in the rear. Not because I had to face a scary illness, but because of the tests it would do on my mental health.

I did take meds, unfortunately that brought a lot of side effects. Rashes, itches, pain, oh and an anaphylactic shock. That one was fun.

One other side effect I suffer from in the kick to my mental health. I had so many things resurfacing due to my near death experience(I still somewhat fell wierd saying it like thisπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ) that I didn’t know I had pushed down.

But , since I’m having a chance to revisit and change my view, I’m going to take it.

I’m doing bending for society. πŸ™‚


6 years!:

6 years!

Tomorrow we will be together for 6 years and married for 3.

He has been my rock in this new chapter and has helped me so much.

He does piss me off sometimes but every relationship has ups and downs.

I love you. To the end of the universe and back.

9 months:

I feel that I have felt angry for the past 3-4 years.

I had a lot going on with my body that I wrote off because I didn’t know what it was. Now that I know it was MS I feel that a weight has been lifted.

I do get upset sometimes but honestly I’m so much happier that I have a name for it.

It also helped pull my head out of my ass and helped to pick me to finding my emotions.

I don’t really like emotions. I feel like they get out of control and I don’t like that feelings. I choose to be happy and push sadness, anger, negative emotions to the side until they build up.

I’m finally making some headway to be mentally healthier. I feel energized. I finally feel like I can actually start enjoying life. πŸ™‚

Defining new feelings:

I’m not a person that can truly define her emotions.

While I love feeling happy, sadness is not an easy emotion.

This leads to a lot of repressed thoughts that I just honestly forget about.

For the past month, since is stopped taking my med, I’ve had a pretty clear head.

I’ve confronted a lot about my past and most recently I thought about mental illness.

It changes people. I feel bad for people that have gone through public breakdowns. It becomes something that defines them even if they have overcome he hurdle.

It feels that people are stigmatized if they show even a slight out of having emotional immaturity and it leads to even bigger issues.

I do it myself. I’m also at fault for this stigma. I’m trying to break the habit. I’m trying to see people in the current light instead of the past.

Everyone deserves a chance to improve and better themselves and I don’t feel it’s a weakness to be open about mental health.

It’s such a big part of our lives so why do we negligent it so much?

Medication thoughts:

Im goingnover how I felt when I was on my meds and I never realized how much neurological meds mess with people.

I felt that i was on edge and angry for the past 6 months. Anything ticked me off and I hated it.

Now that I haven’t taken any med, I feel better than ever both physically and mentally. For once, I’m starting to feel normal again.

It’s sad that the medications that are supposed to help you can make you feel like utter disgust.

I’m going to be revisiting on whether I want to try another med but for now I’m cemented into the idea of no medications.

I’m hoping I can at least have some fun!:)


The sunshine is starting to come out.

We are half way through the year! I’m pretty stoked and Elba is going to be 2 in 2.5 months!😍

I’m trying to learn how to relax, which in reality is a lot harder than what I ever thought. 

I’m going to the zoo and going to the shaft tunnel on Saturday. I’m pretty stoked about Newport. While I have long drives I feel like this one will be fun. πŸ™‚

This little light:

As the saying goes: When it rains it pours. 

The past fw weeks have been pretty gnarly. 

We had a tree fall on our complex, I had an anaphylactic shock on my med, I got a new med and it cause me to have sky rocketing anxiety, and finally I have issues with some property management. 

I always find myself latched on to the negativity as if it’s sweeter than positivity. 

It’s just easier to dwell than to move on. But I’m trying to still see the light in all of it. I’m striving on because I love seeing Elba smile everyday. I want to be able to give her a ‘normal’ mother and be a ‘normal’ wife. 

It’s hard when neurological meds are fucking with you and you look into the eyes of all the monsters you locked away. 

I try not to think to negativity of people. I really do but I’m also realizing that by giving them a free pass at being a shitty human, I’ve sacrificed a bit of my emotional maturity. 

There’s always an end to every tunnel. There’s always a light and dawn to be seen. Rough patches really just test you. 

Right now, my luckiest moment has been becoming a mother to my child. She has brought so much joy to my life and I can not ever imagine a day without her. The day I found out I was pregnant was a scary one since we were totally unprepared but I always knew I wanted her.  No matter what. 

She’s my little light. 

I’m going to help her shine. 

2nd weekΒ 

So, I started copaxone last Wednesday and it’s still a little hard. 

While I do feel better, I have so much anxiety from injecting myself. 

I’ve had to have scott do the actual shot for now until I can do it. The first day that I did it myself I pushed the button, freaked out, and lost half my med. lol. 

So for now I’m doing well with having him do it. Although, the first day it took me a hour to be able to let him push the button. 

This last time it took only 10 minutes!

Although, I did have him not let me eat my fave food until I did it. Lol it worked. It it was so hard! 
Here’s to hoping that I can overcome this anxiety soon. 

First day of copaxone.Β 

Today was my first injection. 

I anticipated this day and quite honestly caused so much unnecessary anxiety. 

I never actually looked at my syringes and I spent too much time looking at videos of people taking the med. 

The nurse came and showed me all the ropes. It was tiny and I still couldn’t get over the “pain” I may feel. 

Finally it was time and I counted down but could push the button. I backed out 4 times. 

And the. I did it and it was over. 

I didn’t even feel it although I did feel the med. it was itchy and burned but it was tolerable. 

Within 20 minutes it had subsided. I guess this can become normal. 

I can do it. 

Although I know I’ll still be on the edge of my seat for the first few weeks of doing this. πŸ˜‚


It was my first day back and I was excited!

I was able to remember the scripts and how to do all the apps. 

I remembered my password!

My brain and body are not in sync though. 

Things I could do in a flash were harder. I feel like I’m noticing how hard it is to do simple tasks. 

Mindless tasks like moving your hands are not full frontal. It sucks. 

I wish I could go back to the times where my body just moved without me second guessing itself.